Supporting the carer in your life
Carers see and navigate a sea of complex emotional, physical, and structural challenges everyday. Sometimes, it can be tough to know the right thing to say to the carer in your life. We’ve assembled some helpful advice on how best to approach certain topics. It’s not a one-size-fits-all, but it can help steer you in the right direction.
Spotting the signs of a carer in need
Now that you know the stress and struggles carers can face, you might be wondering how the carer in your life is faring and how to tell when they might need a little help. Beyond some of the questions and conversation starters we’ve provided, here are some of the warning signs that a carer might be in need of assistance.
Ask them questions
Below are a few examples of questions you can ask the carer(s) you know to understand how you can best support them. Sometimes, even showing that you can understand how they are feeling and what they are going through can be enough.
You know [care recipient] better than anyone. Is there something about their care that you would like for others to understand?
Carers often carry an invisible expertise that goes entirely unacknowledged: the accumulated knowledge of a person’s habits, fears, preferences and needs that no medical file could capture. This question validates that expertise and signals the desire for deeper understanding as you support them on their caring journey.
What resources can help lighten the load?
Many carers are so deep in the day-to-day that they haven’t had the bandwidth to seek out support, even when it exists. Others may not know what’s available to them or feel guilty about asking for outside help. The goal is to open the door to understand the gaps in care and help identify potential solutions.
I see how much you carry. Who else can you lean on right now?
Isolation is one of the most commonly reported experiences among carers. Sometimes, carers just need someone to be there for them through the good and the bad. Acknowledging the load they carry goes a long way in making carers feel seen and supported.
Of course, you are not a mental health professional, nor should you be expected to be one. If you see that the carer in your life needs more support than the people in their life can give, have a discussion with them about seeking additional outside support.
What’s one thing on your to-do list this week that I could take off your plate?
Alternative: Is there a task you keep putting off because you haven’t had the time or energy? Let me take one.
Carers are juggling so many responsibilities that sometimes they just need someone to take a task or two off their plate. Practical support can be a huge help in making each day a little less overwhelming. Always make sure to have a conversation with a carer first to determine what they need before acting.
I’d like to lend a hand. Would it be helpful if I…
Cooked a meal
Ran an errand
Made an appointment
Stayed over a couple of hours
…so you can have some time to yourself?
Offering a helping hand and tailored suggestions demonstrates that you have paid attention to their situation, which in itself feels like an act of care.
You’re allowed to rest. What would help you feel comfortable stepping away, even just for an hour?
For many carers, rest is not simply a matter of finding the time – guilt, anxiety and a deep sense of responsibility can make it feel impossible to do so even when the opportunity is there.
By asking what would make them comfortable stepping away, you signal that it’s okay (and necessary!) to step away. It’s an invitation for reflection and relief.
What does a good day look like for you right now? I’d like to support you to have more of those.
This kind of question speaks volumes. It meets the carer exactly where they are, rather than projecting an expectation of what their life should look like. It acknowledges that “a good day” may have been radically redefined. It is an invitation to pause, recenter and regroup – a precious moment when carers are constantly moving from task to task.
Listening carefully to the answer will tell you a great deal about what they are missing, what brings them relief and where you might be able to help – often more than a direct question about their struggles ever could.
You don’t have to be “okay” all the time.
Sometimes, the most powerful thing a carer can hear is that they don’t have to perform strength for the people around them.
When every interaction tends to involve a task, a decision or an emotional performance of strength, a simple statement of unconditional acceptance can be disarming – in the best possible way. It’s meant to foster safety, to signal that this relationship is one where they do not have to hold it all together.
Make sure you check in regularly on the carers in your life. Make time for them one-on-one, keep them connected with their social circles and get them out of their context, even for five minutes. Just being available to listen when they need to talk is also an important part of supporting their emotional health.
Quick Tip: Where possible, lead with a specific, actionable offer rather than an open question. Carers are more likely to accept help when the ask is concrete and the effort required to say “yes” is low. Phrasing like, “Would it help if I…” rather than “What do you need?” removes the burden of having to articulate a need, which many carers may struggle with.
You are not alone
In our lifetime, we will know a carer, be a carer or be cared for. Connecting to experts and services can make a world of difference for both the patient and the carer.
